Okay, so who had the doubled-up super mega hurricane on their 2020 Disaster Bingo Score Sheet? I sure didn’t, although I feel a little stupid that I didn’t expect it. Right now, I’m basically permanently strapped into a five-point harness and hanging on for the ride.
No, it’s not a straight jacket, yet – but if we keep getting Murder Hornet Alerts, it just may turn into one.
That’s why I’ve been signed up for the Reverse Alert System since Harvey. If you’re interested about getting warnings (sometimes before dawn) about rip tides, flooding, hurricanes and impending Nights of the Lepus, you can sign up for this system here: https://www.cctexas.com/services/public-safety/alerts-notices. Be aware: they will call, text and email you to safety whether you like it or night, and removing you name from the list is more arduous than astronaut training combined with unknotting kite string. Safety first, though, right?
Because I’m lazy and because robocallers keep phoning from local numbers regarding my expiring warranty on Boris (my car that I bought used from a Chinese guy’s Russian uncle and which never had a warranty), I tend to let everything go to voicemail. And then, because I hate listening to people talk about non-existent car warranties, I tend to read the message after it’s translated by visual voicemail.
At best, talk to text is riddled with inaccuracies, but most of the time you can figure out what the message was within some kind of reason. That’s why I was only moderately concerned when I received this from the Reverse Alert System on Monday:
“This is a message for me so I am going to system a high risk of recurrence today and she also continue do much of the week leave Heights for the coastal otters could reach sixty nine feet from Wednesday through Thursday and subside on Friday?”
If I’m being honest, 69-foot Coastal otters seemed like par for the course, although I did feel like the City may have buried the lead a little on this one.
Because of the threat of otter invasion, I am hereby advocating that we take all the necessary steps to prepare for future cuteness incursions.
- Step 1: don’t be any kind of invertebrate, or the otters will eat you. Also try not to be a bird or a fish for the duration of the invasion. “Otters are HUNGRY animals,” warned one expert. “If you see a 69 foot otter, be prepared by carrying a five gallon bucket of jumbo shrimp with you everywhere you go! Leave the bucket in your car when you’re not actively being threatened,” he continued. “The riper the better!”
- Don’t leave your car near where the gigantic otters were last sighted. Clever creatures, they’ll use trucks to crack open restaurants. Otters carry tractor-trailers and store food in the loose skin under their armpits – who needs a purse!?!?
- Otters tend to stick together, floating in formations called “rafts” to sleep. You should stay together, too. Try to pick friends who are slow and prone to stopping to make obvious statements like, “Hey, Chuck! Will you look at that giant otter!” You can run while they’re taking a selfie.
Obviously, the best way to avoid otter attacks is to not live in an area prone to giant otters. Unfortunately, we’ve all made our choice here in the Coastal Bend. Be sure to get the reverse alert system. Be prepared. Stay Safe! Otter season won’t last forever.