Where Fundraising Ideas Go to Die


  The RCS has hit its first for realsies stumbling block — we’re broke, and none of us know jack about fundraising.  I suggested that we have a multi-state bake sale, but that idea was rapidly shot down due to the fact that 1) none of us can bake, and 2) the money we’d spend on ingrediants to make inedible products would bankrupt us even further.  Kelly also mentioned something about Wal-Mart taking a cut of the profits if you have the audacity to host a bake sale in front of their store.  Figures.  Only Wal-Mart would have enough facist sack to rip off autistic kids,
We have to come up with something better, something exclusive, something US.  Here are  some ideas that we’re batting around:
Frivolous Law Suits
Look, if any of us were lawyers ONE of us could probably shell out the $24,95 we need to increase our membership.  Unfortunately, that’s not the case.  I do know, however, that ANYONE can file a law suit for ANYTHING, and that it only costs a few bucks.  I’m thinking that first off we should sue the Republican Party for giving me migranes and backdoor slandering everyone with their number 1 party platform: Everyone Is Totally Stupid, Say Whatever You Want.  Then, we should probably sue the makers of dog training books along with the makers of dog toys, because I am sure those fuckers are in cahoots.  Case in point, every dog training book IN THE WORLD says that it is absolutely necessary to your puppy’s development that he have like a million approptiate toys.  So what to you do?  You go out and drop a $100 bucks on stuffed frogs and weirdly cannibalistic squeaky dogs.  The inevitable result: you walk outside one fine spring morning and find your puppy embroiled in an incredibly joyous game of catch with a petrified turd.  LAWSUIT!  I’m telling you, there’s a billion of these.  We just have to come up with the creme de la creme.  I’m sure SOMEONE will settle out of court for $24.95.  Then it’s on.
Okay, so I don’t know how to do this.  Half the time when someone gives me change, I just throw it into the bottom of my ridiculously over-sized purse and walk away.  I couldn’t even begin to do the false count thing.  I can’t even count cards unless the number somehow happens to be 52 (and mostly I even forget that).  I like theidea of grifting, though  — largely because it sounds cool and once Jon Cusak was in a movie about it.
Ahh, the internet is a wonderful place where people who eat ramen noodles to live can somehow justify buying a T-Rex Hates Pushups t-shirt.  You are my people.  We are one.  Anyway, we should try to come up with some RCS product that people actually want.  Here are some suggestions:
RCS Toilet Paper:  Wipe Your Ass With Our Cocks
Problem: totally limited market.  Also, how do you make toilet paper?  Do we have to roll the chicken in ink and then laboriously print one on every sheet.  I’ve tried to re-roll toilet paper.  It doesn’t ever look nice.  I think we’d need a machine.
Due to the fact that I refuse to run under pretty much any circumstances, I’ve had to figure out some alternative life skills in order to weather the Zombie Apocalypse.  I didn’t want to learn to skin things, or hunt things, or do like actual work, so instead I figured out how to make booze out of pretty much ANYTHING.  I’m the toilet wine world expert.  I could make hooch out of a piece of Hubba Bubba and a gallon of Everclear.  I got mad skills, peeps.  Anyway, it has been suggested that the RCS put my hooch making expertise to good use, making gallons of toilet wine to be sold on the internet.  Problem: liability.  Usually when I make hooch, I find some idiot to test it on.  So far, no one’s blind, but that’s not like a permanent guarantee kind of deal.  Maybe if we just used a disclaimer:

Think that would work?  It’d better because the O4 have already started saving their galllon jugs of Gallo.  It shouldn’t take long for us to have enough to begin marketing. One summer Sirrah and I filled an entire kitchen floor with empty jugs of Livingston Cellars Red Rose in under a month, but who’s counting.

And that’s all we’ve got, folks!  Actual good ideas are welcome.  Meantime, I have some wine to drink.

Cheers!  Don’t forget your condoms and bail money!

About rubberchickensociety

The Rubber Chicken Society is a loosely knit collective of free thinkers who support and enjoy chicken related humor.
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