Today in chicken news:
I woke up this morning to a leering Mephistopheles sitting on my pillow wearing an aluminum foil helmet. I’m pretty sure that this is a rather dire sign, considering that at least twice a day I have to prevent M from harnessing the puppy to various strange mechanical devices. God help us if he ever figures out how to catch the cat.
What I woke up to, note the INCREDIBLE Hulk sheets:
Mephistopheles Attempts Vulcan Mind Meld With Puppy:
Avagodro has returned. Turns out that he didn’t pull a bunker after all. Sirrah had just returned him to his Official Rubber Chicken Society Dream Box (soon featuring handles) for a time out. Evidently, she has shell-shocked poor Avagodro to the extent that he’s afraid to eat anything anymore that isn’t obviously grain. I think I might feel the same way if on THREE separate occasions someone fed me a delicious meal and then announced after I had eaten heartily that it was actually a “human mcnugget.” “MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,” Sirrah said when she told me this story. I think that, due to the fact that she’s the only person with any control over her chicken, Sirrah is going to have to be the Official Rubber Chicken Society Chicken Whisperer (conscripted).
Conversation with Kevin’s owner Kelly
me: Well, hello!
Kelly: Kevin thinks he’s on crack.
Kelly: the stupid fucking chicken you sent me now THINKS HE’S ON CRACK.
me: I thought he was a unicorn?
Kelly: Oh, he’s still a unicorn, but now he’s a CRACKY unicorn.
me: How the hell did that happen?
Kelly: He was driving me crazy with all the whinnying, so I cut up a baby aspirin and gave it to him and told him it was crack. Now he thinks he’s addicted.
me: Why did you think that pseudo-crack would help this problem?
Kelly: I didn’t know how to make heroin.
me: So what are you going to do?
Kelly: Well…I felt kind of bad about it, because it’s kind of my fault that the kid thinks he’s a crack addict…
me: dude, it’s TOTALLY your fault
Kelly: SO…I got him one of those gas station rose crack pipe thingys …
me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I got my Mom one of those for her birthday once. I didn’t realize they were secret crack pipes. I thought they were just for the ladies. I was like fifteen.
Kelly: You loser.
me: I know!
Kelly: Anyway, so I got him one of those, and now I’m charging him 35 dollars per baby aspirin. I figure that should kill his addiction, plus I’m making money.
me: Wow, them’s hospital rates!
And you thought unicorn horns were innocent!
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