Open Letter to Planned Parenthood, and WHY THIS WILL NEVER WORK!

So, I looked on Planned Parenthood’s website today, trying to find a contact email address so that I could let them know about the Bajingo Liberation Front.  There is NOTHING, but MAN do they make it easy to donate!  I think I might have donated some money just by clicking on the DONATE link through some kind of advanced retinal money sucking scan.  It’s freaking space age over there! You can check it out at www.plannedparenthood.org.  I never did find a contact email, so I finally gave up and posted a letter in their “Share Your Story” box.  Somehow, I don’t think that what I wrote is what they’re looking for, WHICH IS WHY THIS WILL NEVER WORK!  Can someone smarter than me (and I KNOW you’re out there) please get me some email addresses for some biggity wigs at the P.P.?  If you do, I promise to constantly send them Bajingo Liberation Front updates and stories that they will in no way be interested in.  Anyway, here’s what I wrote:

Dear Planned Parenthood,

Hey folks! Good job on scoring that .org after your name*!  Also, a great big Rubber Chicken Society thanks for all the work you do in the field of bajingo protection.

 The RCS feels strongly about saving the bajingos. We have four almost entirely intact bajingos amongst us, and therefore have a vested interest. We’d like to help. As a part of our RCS Gives Back initiative, we’ve recently founded a subsidiary called the Bajingo Liberation Front (BLF). Anyone can join the BLF, and we hope that they do. The purpose of the BLF is to help educate people on women’s health issues in a fun way, and to promote world-wide bajingo freedom. We believe that you guys already do this, so we’ve started a fund raiser to benefit Planned Parenthood which we’re promoting on our blog www.rubberchickensociety.wordpress.com. We’ve made bajingo-related merchandise on zazzle.com, the proceeds from which will be donated to Planned Parenthood. We have women’s t-shirts which read: (Front) “Aren’t There Enough Bastards?”, (Back) “Save the Bajingos! Support Publically Funded Women’s Health”; and (Front) “Save the Bajingos!” (Back) “Support Publically Funded Women’s Health”. Men’s t-shirts read: “Pro-Bajingo” and “Aren’t There Enough Bastards?”

Right now we’re only getting (and thus YOU’RE only getting) a 10% royalty rate, so this letter isn’t being written to let you guys know to expect a massive windfall. Really, I’m just writing to let you know that you’re now associated with an organization that pretty much constantly calls vaginas “bajingos.” We understand if you’d like to cut us loose. We’ll even still send you money under one of our pseudonyms – probably Antiques by Kerry.

If you’d like to check out our merchandise, please go to our store here: www.zazzle.com/chickenshits. If you have an questions or concerns, you can email us at rubberchickensociety@yahoo.com. Thanks again for all your hard work, and for being a consistent voice of sanity in a world that is clearly bonkers!

Sincerely,

Johnny Spot

Rubber Chicken Society Press Representative

*Is telling them good job for something that they probably got by default too brown-nosey?  I’m gonna go with “probably.”

If you guys have any good Planned Parenthood related bajingo stories — like maybe you accidentally put in two tampons one time and their RN had to dig them out — you can share them here: http://www.ppaction.org/story.   Just telling people about the great stuff (not necessarily excavation based) that Planned Parenthood has done for you is an awesome way to further the cause!  Have fun!

***UPDATE:a vigilant reader (Lace) just pointed out that you won’t be able to see our zazzle products unless you tell zazzle that you’re a grown up.  So do that, even if you’re not. 

Coming Soon: Sharpie Skillz — Make Your Own B.L.F  T-Shirts, I Beg Zazzle to Donate 10% of Their Earnings on Our Schwag to P.P., and Rubber Chicken Puppet Theater.

About rubberchickensociety

The Rubber Chicken Society is a loosely knit collective of free thinkers who support and enjoy chicken related humor.
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