By far the most popular sections of this blog are my “Conversations With Kelly” segments. As you’ve probably noticed, Kelly is fucking hilarious. For your enjoyment, I’ve anthologized a few of our gems. Read on.
Conversations With Kelly:
me: I REALLY need a showeer. I don’t even know how long it’s been.
Kelly: I took one yesterday (Tuesday). I figure I’m good ’til Saturday.
me: HA HA HA! At least! Is it bad when you don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve washed your crevasses?
Kelly: Nah. Not unless you leave the house frequently.
me: I’m pretty sure I smell like 5 day old bajingo and dog. I feel pretty gross, and PROUD.
26 minutes later….
me: All clean. I can’t wait to ass this shit up.
Kelly: Ha Ha Ha. Well, I have a stench but apparently right now, I’m the only one who can smell me. So,I’m waiting til tomorrow or Sat before I bathe. Congratulations on your clean ass, though.
me: I know…I feel like I just won the Olympics. Well…the special ones. Also, re: your stench. Maybe everyone’s just being polite. You have been kind of overwhelmed lately.
Kelly: Well, you ARE my special friend.
me: Shut up, lesbo.
Kelly: I sound lesbiany because I’ve had 7 glasses of wine. Fuck you.
me: Don’t worry, I’m saving all my bush (which every day is looking more and more like a middle aged accountant named “Roy” with bad hair plugs) for you. Also, I’m really proud that you can still count to seven.
Kelly: Ha ha ha! Bitch.
me: I know, but when one day my innate bitchiness makes me a gazillion dollars, I’ll buy you a bus ticket so that you can come clean my mansion.
Kelly: I need to pluck my chin hair. I have two, and they are hard and black. I’M GROWING A FUCKING BEARD!
me: That is so hot!
Kelly: I’m nothing if not hot and classy.
me: If you become a bearded lady, I’m selling you to a circus.
Kelly: I’d do the same for you.
Kelly: I’m having pain in my right shoulder, much like the pain I had in my left shoulder before I lost partial use of it a few years back. I’m almost positive that it’s from the die-beat-ees.
Kelly: Yeah, yay me!
me: Dude, if you start losing appendages and wind up just being a torso, I’ll still love you, but I will totally pretend I don’t know you in public.
me: BUT… Guess who’s going to be the “default middle” in my human centipede! So, you’ve got that going for you.
Kelly: Fuck you.
See, this is the shit that Kelly puts up with from me ALL DAY LONG EVERY DAMNED DAY. One time, I even sent her a picture of my poop after she specifically asked me not to. AND SHE HASN’T DUMPED ME YET! So, here’s to you, Kelly. You’re totally hilariousterical. Thanks for sticking with me.