Why in the HELL is Kelly My Friend?

By far the most popular sections of this blog are my “Conversations With Kelly” segments.  As you’ve probably noticed, Kelly is fucking hilarious.  For your enjoyment, I’ve anthologized a few of our gems.  Read on.

Conversations With Kelly:

me: I REALLY need a showeer.  I don’t even know how long it’s been.

Kelly: I took one yesterday (Tuesday).  I figure I’m good ’til Saturday.

me: HA HA HA!  At least!  Is it bad when you don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve washed your crevasses?

Kelly: Nah.  Not unless you leave the house frequently.

me: I’m pretty sure I smell like 5 day old bajingo and dog.  I feel pretty gross, and PROUD.

26 minutes later….

me: All clean.  I can’t wait to ass this shit up.

Kelly: Ha Ha Ha.  Well, I have a stench but apparently right now, I’m the only one who can smell me.  So,I’m waiting til tomorrow or Sat before I bathe.  Congratulations on your clean ass, though.

me: I know…I feel like I just won the Olympics.  Well…the special ones. Also, re: your stench.  Maybe everyone’s just being polite.  You have been kind of overwhelmed lately.

Kelly: Well, you ARE my special friend.

me: Shut up, lesbo.

Kelly: I sound lesbiany because I’ve had 7 glasses of wine.  Fuck you.

me: Don’t worry, I’m saving all my bush (which every day is looking more and more like a middle aged accountant named “Roy” with bad hair plugs) for you.  Also, I’m really proud that you can still count to seven.

Kelly: Ha ha ha!  Bitch.

me: I know, but when one day my innate bitchiness makes me a gazillion dollars, I’ll buy you a bus ticket so that you can come clean my mansion.

Kelly: Asshole!

AND ANOTHER:

Kelly:  I need to pluck my chin hair.  I have two, and they are hard and black.  I’M GROWING A FUCKING BEARD!

me: That is so hot!

Kelly: I’m nothing if not hot and classy.

me: If you become a bearded lady, I’m selling you to a circus.

Kelly: I’d do the same for you.

AND ANOTHER:

Kelly:  I’m having pain in my right shoulder, much like the pain I had in my left shoulder before I lost partial use of it a few years back.  I’m almost positive that it’s from the die-beat-ees. 

me: Shit!

Kelly: Yeah, yay me!

me: Dude, if you start losing appendages and wind up just being a torso, I’ll still love you, but I will totally pretend I don’t know you in public.

Kelly: Figures.

me: BUT… Guess who’s going to be the “default middle” in my human centipede!  So, you’ve got that going for you.

Kelly: Fuck you.

See, this is the shit that Kelly puts up with from me ALL DAY LONG EVERY DAMNED DAY.  One time, I even sent her a picture of my poop after she specifically asked me not to.  AND SHE HASN’T DUMPED ME YET!  So, here’s to you, Kelly.  You’re totally hilariousterical.  Thanks for sticking with me.

About rubberchickensociety

The Rubber Chicken Society is a loosely knit collective of free thinkers who support and enjoy chicken related humor.
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