The other night I watched the movie “Precious” for the first time. I don’t know why it took me so long, other than that the film looked really depressing and I generally prefer something that promises a LOT more explosions. I sent Kelly text messages throughout the entire film (to the extent that she eventually just turned off her phone and ignored me), because sharing is mofuckin’ caring. After re-reading those messages this morning, I’m pretty sure I’m a terrible person. Luckily, Christianity has that death bed confession/forgiveness escape clause built right into it, so I figure I’ll be fine. I’m going to be really pissed off if I get hit by a bus and wind up in hell for making fun of this movie, although I’ll bet there’s a section just for assholes like me. It’s already roped off, and they’re showing the movie “Blue Lagoon” over and over again — minus the sex scenes. See if you can pinpoint the exact moment that my white liberal guilt kicks in.
The RCS Movie Destruction Squad Texts “Precious”:
9:05PM: Urgh. Watching “Precious.” This shit is depressing. This movie should be called, “Depressious.”
9:07PM: Yep, she’s getting raped. But it’s okay, because she’s pretending to be a movie star. This montage really takes the sting out of the visual of the fat sweaty guy on top of her. Thanks from the viewer, Mr. Director.
9:15 PM: My God, Precious’ Mom has some hairy PITZ. These are impressive. I guess we know where Bin Laden was hiding.
9:16PM: Also, for po’ people they have a HUGE apartment. I guess they’re pretty fat, though.
Kelly 9:19PM: Fat people NEED big apartments.
9:20PM: Yeah, maybe. But do you think it has kind of a fish tank effect, like how goldfish get HUGE if you put them in a 40 gallon tank?
9:31PM: OMG. She named her daughter Mongol — short for mongoloid because the kid has Down’s Syndrome. You’d think you could at least name the kid “Cindy” or something. Or “Attilla.”
9:40PM: “You think you too good for the welfare?”
9:42PM: “You ain’t cooked no collard greens with the pigs feet?”
9:44PM: This movie is a god damned laugh a minute.
9:43PM: OH SHIT: “Don’t let them pig’s get cold cause cold ass pig’s feet is NASTY.”
9:44PM: Dude, not to cast undue aspersions, but SERIOUSLY: how is either heat or collard greens going to make eating a pigs foot better? I mean, if it does, we’re talking about a narrow margin here. I guess you have to try…
9:48PM: Precious does the math: employment as a domestic does not equal big bucks.
9:51PM: This is horrible, but I’m riveted.
9:57PM: OH! She was knocked up! I thought she was just fat. I mean she’s still fat, but she just lost about 8lbs. She’s lookin’ good.
10:07PM: Whoot! Fat chick brawl.
10:08PM: Precious just almost got murdered by a t.v. Awesome. This is the best part so far.
10:09PM: I should be live tweeting this, but I’m three years too late. I’ll bet this was some good twatting back in the day, though.
10:12PM: Oops, teacher’s a lesbian, but it’s okay because lesbians are nice, and give you Christmas presents.
10:18PM: Question of Mariah Carey’s race once again remains unanswered. Points to Precious for asking, though.
10:21PM: Fuck. Now she’s got the AIDS from being raped by her Dad.
10:32PM: Evil Mom returns, but Precious almost has good enough test scores to take the G.E.D. Prep. Class. Fuck off, mean Mom. I got this.
10:33PM: This is terrible.
This is why I’m no longer allowed to watch movies while in possession of a cell phone. I’m gonna do it anyway, though, just for you guys. Stay tuned for Iron Man II.