Wherein I Ruin Movies For Kelly, Probably For Ever

The other night I watched the movie “Precious” for the first time.  I don’t know why it took me so long, other than that the film looked really depressing and I generally prefer something that promises a LOT more explosions.  I sent Kelly text messages throughout the entire film (to the extent that she eventually just turned off her phone and ignored me), because sharing is mofuckin’ caring.  After re-reading those messages this morning, I’m pretty sure I’m a terrible person.  Luckily, Christianity has that death bed confession/forgiveness escape clause built right into it, so I figure I’ll be fine.  I’m going to be really pissed off if I get hit by a bus and wind up in hell for making fun of this movie, although I’ll bet there’s a section just for assholes like me.  It’s already roped off, and they’re showing the movie “Blue Lagoon” over and over again — minus the sex scenes.  See if you can pinpoint the exact moment that my white liberal guilt kicks in.

The RCS Movie Destruction Squad Texts “Precious”:

9:05PM: Urgh.  Watching “Precious.”  This shit is depressing.  This movie should be called, “Depressious.”

9:07PM: Yep, she’s getting raped.  But it’s okay, because she’s pretending to be a movie star.  This montage really takes the sting out of the visual of the fat sweaty guy on top of her.  Thanks from the viewer, Mr. Director.

9:15 PM:  My God, Precious’ Mom has some hairy PITZ.  These are impressive.  I guess we know where Bin Laden was hiding.

9:16PM: Also, for po’ people they have a HUGE apartment.  I guess they’re pretty fat, though. 

Kelly 9:19PM: Fat people NEED big apartments.

9:20PM: Yeah, maybe.  But do you think it has kind of a fish tank effect, like how goldfish get HUGE if you put them in a 40 gallon tank?

9:31PM:  OMG.  She named her daughter Mongol — short for mongoloid because the kid has Down’s Syndrome.  You’d think you could at least name the kid “Cindy” or something.  Or “Attilla.”

9:40PM: “You think you too good for the welfare?”

9:42PM: “You ain’t cooked no collard greens with the pigs feet?”

9:44PM: This movie is a god damned laugh a minute.

9:43PM: OH SHIT: “Don’t let them pig’s get cold cause cold ass pig’s feet is NASTY.”

9:44PM:  Dude, not to cast undue aspersions, but SERIOUSLY: how is either heat or collard greens going to make eating a pigs foot better?  I mean, if it does, we’re talking about a narrow margin here.  I guess you have to try…

9:48PM: Precious does the math: employment as a domestic does not equal big bucks. 

9:51PM: This is horrible, but I’m riveted.

9:57PM: OH!  She was knocked up!  I thought she was just fat.  I mean she’s still fat, but she just lost about 8lbs.  She’s lookin’ good.

10:07PM:  Whoot!  Fat chick brawl.

10:08PM:  Precious just almost got murdered by a t.v.  Awesome.  This is the best part so far.

10:09PM:  I should be live tweeting this, but I’m three years too late.  I’ll bet this was some good twatting back in the day, though.

10:12PM:  Oops, teacher’s a lesbian, but it’s okay because lesbians are nice, and give you Christmas presents.

10:18PM: Question of Mariah Carey’s race once again remains unanswered.  Points to Precious for asking, though.

10:21PM: Fuck.  Now she’s got the AIDS from being raped by her Dad.

10:32PM: Evil Mom returns, but Precious almost has good enough test scores to take the G.E.D. Prep. Class.  Fuck off, mean Mom.  I got this.

10:33PM: This is terrible.

This is why I’m no longer allowed to watch movies while in possession of a cell phone.  I’m gonna do it anyway, though, just for you guys.  Stay tuned for Iron Man II.

About rubberchickensociety

The Rubber Chicken Society is a loosely knit collective of free thinkers who support and enjoy chicken related humor.
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2 Responses to Wherein I Ruin Movies For Kelly, Probably For Ever

  1. Good site! I really love how it is easy on my eyes as well as the details are well written. I am wondering how I might be notified whenever a new post has been made. I have subscribed to your rss feed which ought to do the trick! Have a nice day!

    • Hi! Thanks for the compliments, although the site is designed this way largely because I’m totally ignorant of another way to do it. You’re right, “following” us should do the trick. Let us know if you have any problems, and I’ll find someone to scream at for you! Have a nice day yourself!

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