If you guys haven’t seen “Thor,” you’re not missing much. Below is a transcript of my texts to Kelly during the movie, along with a few visual aids. Enjoy!
7:42 I have this weird feeling that I’ve seen this frost giant costume somewhere before only not blue….where????
8:03 It’s funny that Anthony Hopkins pronounces Asgard, Ass Guard, and also appropriate
8:05 Odin’s weird metallic eyepatch looks like it’s made of Princess Leia’s slave costume panties. Coincidence?
8:08 Man Natalie Portman must have really needed some new baby money. Like bad.
8:08 Dude, everybody in this movie is like either an Oscar winner or a pro wrestler. This shit is amazing.
8:10: Man, the FBI guy just thanked Natalie Portman’s character for her cooperation when she totally wasn’t cooperating…which sucks, because no one ever does that for me. Mainly, I just go to jail…
8:11: I think it’s nice that Odin lives in a pipe organ.
8:12 There’s this weird blue line going across the screen. I’m not sure if it’s real or if I’m just drunk. Either way, diggin’ the production value.
8:13 Oops — she-pro-wrestler is pissed. It must be hard to put a tampon in when you’re wearing riveted metal underpants.
8:15 Thor and Portman almost die when P drives into ditch because she’s staring at Thor. Oh they laughed!
8:16: HOLY SHIT… is that Rene Russo…man she’s looking rough. Eleanor Roosevelt rough.
8:17: OOH, FBI builds Hamsterville around Thor’s hammer.
(pausing for the cause…bbiam…)
8:47 WHY would you pick a bow and arrow over a gun? These FBI guys must totally not understand the ENTIRE COURSE OF HISTORY
8:48 This archery guy is in some kind of suspended bucket…WTF? Some people just have to make things more difficult. BTW, Thor just broke HamsterVille. Kinda pissed at him.
8:49: Ut oh, Thor can’t get the hammer to come out. Mioux-mioux — sounds like a French cat in a whorehouse.
8:50 THOR SAD!
8:55 Thor has an artistically muddied shirt.
8:58 Thor gets big beer. Wow, this shit is really slowing down.
8:59 I like how they travel by laser.
9:01 The portal is called the bi-frost. I wonder if it’s more bi-frost curious.
9:03 Romantic-y scene with Portman. What’s with this guy’s accent?
9:05 ANNAHEIM is one of the 9 sacred realms? WTF is Watts, then?
9:07 Whoops, other pro-wrestlers are off to go get Thor. Should we consider this a Royal Rumble?
9:14 Was trying to find the term Battle Royale because i couldn’t remember it due to Pabst. Now there’s a giant flame breathing robot for what appears to be NO REASON.
9:15 This is potentially the crappiest set in Hollywood history.
9:16 Thor got robot sucker punched.
9:19 In the last three minutes, Thor has almost died, but then the pussily named hammer showed up, and kinda smashed the flaming robot with a nice ass…and now Thor is whacking flames like they’re baseballs. Okay.
9:22 Man, NP just kissed Thor, but I think she might have puked in his mouth a little bit.
9:23 OOOH, Thor’s hammer flies even when it’s not helicoptoring. WHEE!
9:26 So the bi-curious-frost makes like this funky crop circle thing in the sand in the desert — but EVEN in the movie the wind keeps blowing it all to fuck. You know there’s some poor set designer, just hovering in the background, praying that the actors will quit stepping on the fucking thing.
9:27 ooops, thinking about set designers caused me to miss part of Thor/Loki fight.
9:29 Best thing about this fight: Loki’s stupid hat. Worst thing about this fight: everything else.
9:30 Bridge to other worlds explodes, which is probably good, because NP is seriously going to be ill if she ever has to make out with Thor again.
9:31 Ok, Odin’s weird Princess Leia panty patch has now turned to silver.
9:32 OOPS, SPACE LOKI. Bye asshole. I wonder if Thor said “Hang on to my hammer” in a mutual masturbatory manner one too many times, and Loki ultimately decided he preferred space exile to Thor’s whang.
9:33 Yep, pretty much leaving room for a Thor 2. Somehow, I doubt they get as many Oscar winners for that one.
9:34 Thor’s breastplate has the Transformer icon on it
9:35 Kenneth Branagh directed that shit…WTF.