Quote O’the Week: “If you need me, I’ll be over here living for the day when you quote me in your blog. (Seriously. Sadly.)” — OLIC.
Currently, I’m working on an article about the top 10 all-time sleaziest move characters (an idea I shamlessly pilfered from my friend Tom), and I’m kind-of thinking that the winner just MIGHT be Lando Calrissian, so I called Kelly to get HER thoughts and THIS NIGHTMARE is what happened:
me: Okay, so sleaziest movie character ever: Lando Calrissian
Kelly: Who’s Lando Calrissian?
me: WHAT??? LANDO CALRISSIAN FROM THE STAR WARS?!?!?!?!?!
Kelly: Oh! I’ve never SEEN THE STAR WARS.
me: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!? How could you NEVER have seen the Star Wars.
Kelly: Because I’m not a nerd!
me: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! This friendship is over. I’m pretty sure you’re a terrorist. I’m going to have to go all “Red Dawn” (1984, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087985/) on your ass, aren’t I? JESUS!
Kelly: Dude, I think you might be overreacting. It’s just a movie.
me: WHAT!???!!??!?!? That’s like saying that The Bible is just a fucking book. I’m having a panic attack. This means that the last 5 YEARS of our friendship have been a TOTAL LIE. You’ve been fake laughing at AT LEAST 36% of my jokes. I put a fucking YODA marshmallow sucker on the top of my gingerbread house this year and you said it was awesome, WHEN YOU REALLY DIDN’T UNDERSTAND AT ALL!!! AHHHHHHHHH.
Kelly: Dude, I’ll watch the fucking movies. Chill out.
me: AHHHHHH! What else have you been lying to me about?
Kelly: Well, I pretty much clearly lied when I told you that you weren’t completely apeshit nuts.
This happened last night. I’m very upset. In the past 24 hours I have: threatened to call the FBI to report Kelly as a “fucking commie,” and made plans for an OFFICIAL RCS STAR WARS PILGRIMAGE where I will take THE STAR WARS to Kelly’s house in Mississippi via the classic-pilgrim-transportation-vehicle: a Greyhound bus. I would go dressed in Jedi robes, but I’m afraid that Kelly would leave me at the bus stop.
Kelly tried to make amends this morning by sending me a picture of this. She’s going to eat it herself even though 1) she doesn’t deserve to get to eat any Star Wars candy because she’s the only person left ON THE PLANET who hasn’t seen the movies and 2) it ACTUALLY belongs to her kid:
An alert reader of our “Thor” post send me this reminder:
Lest we forget.
Stay tuned for: My letter to Mark Zuckerberg that MAY OR MAY NOT be doctored to look like it came from the U.S. Government, Mephistopheles Scores an AK-47, Rubber Chicken Puppet Theater (really, WE PROMISE, RIGHT SIRRAH!?!?), and Why I Need a Two Foot Long Rubber Great White Shark.