Dear Marvelous Mark (Mr. Zuckerberg),
Hey, way to go at inventing Facebook. It’s pretty awesome, and everyone uses it. Could you, if you get time, please develop a way to keep my parents from stalking me on your program. I know that I could just refuse to “friend” them, but that would result in a shit storm of epic proportions, so I’d rather not. Could you maybe make like a “parent blocker” that prevents them from seeing you (or anything you say – especially about your bajingo) online? That would be rad.
The reason I’m really writing you today is probably the same reason that most other people write you – you’re kind of super rich now, and my organization needs money. DON’T STOP READING! The RCS (Rubber Chicken Society) needs you to help us shoot a rubber chicken into actual space (I’ve been told that this is called “orbit”). OKAY! WAIT!!! DON’T STOP READING! You see, kind of on accident (okay, so I did it by screaming at school children – but they ASKED FOR IT) the RCS got into a pissing contest with a bunch of 8 year old kids who attached a rubber chicken wearing a stupid grandma-knitted astronaut suit to a weather balloon and sent it into ALMOST space. You can read about it here: https://rubberchickensociety.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/the-rcs-enters-the-space-race/. For some reason (probably Pabst Blue Ribbon), the RCS perceived this as a direct attack, and launched a counterstrike: The RCS Space Program. After recruiting an actual astrophysicist (Dr. T.), however, we discovered that launching a chicken into space could 1) cost 100’s of thousands of dollars and 2) possibly precipitate Global Thermal Nuclear War. We think we have a solution to part 2 of our problem, but (as we are an organization that has spent over a month trying to raise $24.95) we’re having a considerable problem solving part 1. So, um…this is awkward…um…would you maybe (and only if we’re really nice to you) consider giving us $200,000 dollars to launch a rubber chicken dressed as Khan from Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan into space? If you do, I’ll make you the same deal I made the wonks from NASA: we’ll invite you to the launch, fill you full of cheap beer and cheaper hot dogs, and call you Marvelous Mark all day. Also, there is definitely a T-shirt for you in this. Just think about it, okay?
We’re really looking forward to working with you!
Johnny Spot – RCS Press Representative
P.S. You can read the whole RCS Space Saga by following these links:
Stay Tuned For: RCS Puppet Theater Upgrade (Mark 2)/Auditions, Introducing Dr. T, Notes From The Star Wars Pilgrimage Planning Commitee, Titian Emerges, and probably something about Kevin.