Here at the RCS, we’re not super concerned about President Obama being a former pot smoker. In fact, everyone at the RCS has used the “dread drug” marijuana a time or 200. No biggie. We also aren’t too terribly upset over Penn Jillette’s contention that Obama is an asshole because had the laws that the President supports been applied to him, he never would have attained his position. True, Penn. Touche. You can read about Obama’s dope downing past here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/25/obama-pot-smoking-details_n_1545904.html. We at the RCS, however, believe that President Obama has (through his experience) inadvertently highlighted some of the only negative side effects to weed use. In our TOTALLY SCIENTIFIC testing facility (a 2001 Toyota Echo), we have had RCS’ers working for 48 hours, continuously studying the effects of weed. Here’s what we’ve discovered:
1.) Roof Hits (President Obama’s idea) REALLY WORK!
Basically, Obama discovered that when you’re hot-boxing and the weed is gone, you can tilt your head back and suck the leftover smoke down from the ceiling. You know, I really wondered why dude won a Nobel Prize. NOW I FUCKING KNOW!
2) Even If You Don’t Know What Funyons Are, You Will Crave Them If You Get High.
We tried this on one of our (very willing) research assistants who hails from the land that Funyons forget. We got her stoned as hell, and then asked her if she wanted a Funyon. “What’s a Funyon?” she asked. Then we described it to her: accurately. “Dude, it’s some kind of onion flavored corn or rice puffed thing shaped like an onion ring and deep fat fried in some kind of petroleum by-product. They’re delicious.” “FUCK YEAH I WANT A FUNYON,” she replied.
3) Shit Gets Funnier.
Seriously, we cut the research nerds off two hours ago and the Echo is still caught in some kind of giggle earthquake. We don’t know what they’re laughing at, but for the safety of all involved, we’ve decided not to release them back into the wild until they stop. I have experienced this repercussion first hand. Once, while high, (I SWEAR TO GOD THIS HAPPENED) I saw what was supposed to be a touching HBO Special about overcoming adversity. It featured a kid with no arms and no legs bouncing on a trampoline. I laughed so hard I fell off the couch and couldn’t get back up for 15 minutes.
Note From Kelly: Dude, when you’re stoned Law and Order becomes THE GREATEST SHOW EVER MADE, and the Cartoon Network seems like a really awesome documentary.
4. You Make Stupid Fashion Decisions.
We didn’t really provide our research dorks with an adequate costume shop to play dress up with — largely, because once you cram six nerds into a Toyota Echo with three ounces of weed, there really isn’t room for ANYTHING else. I, however, can attest to the truth of this having gotten stoned and sat around for three hours with a male friend — both of us in prom dresses. President Obama proved this hypothesis, too, by wearing this hat:
Not to get snarky, but you’d pretty much have to be high (or Andre 3000) to think that rockin’ this look was a good idea. Just to prove my point, here are some other awesome stoner looks:
After 48 hours of dedicated research, our results show that the only negative things that weed does are make you act a little silly, and give you righteous cotton mouth. Basically, keep hydrated and don’t let anyone anywhere near you with a camera, and you’ll be totally fine. As to Obama being a pot head, HEY MOTHEREFFERS AT LEAST HE WAS A GOOD ONE. I’d rather have a President who was a Weed McGyver in his youth than one who couldn’t figure out how to use a bong (“Where do I put my finger? How does this work? This is scary! Minge.”). I like creativity in my leaders of the free world. Now, President Obama, just fucking LEGALIZE IT.