Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit — it’s on y’all. The zombie apocalypse is actually beginning.  Last Saturday in Miami (of course) a police officer shot a naked guy who was basically EATING ANOTHER MAN’S FACE.  The officer told the naked guy to stop chewing on the other guy’s eyeballs (literally) and the naked dude growled at the cop.  So the cop shot him.  The wound wasn’t fatal, and it didn’t stop the guy.  At this point, near as I can tell, the cop just freaked the fuck out and discharged all the rounds in his service weapon into the naked dude — finally killing him.  CBS Miami reported, “With the attacker dead, lying nude on the pavement, officers and paramedics were able to get to his victim and rush him to Jackson Memorial Hospital. Police sources say the man had virtually no face and was unrecognizable.”  You can read the whole story here: http://miami.cbslocal.com/2012/05/26/miami-police-confrontation-men-leaves-1-dead-1-hurt/.  Here’s the news report on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnKteSaGAR4.  Most of the pictures are just of a cop car by an overpass, though — and traffic.

The cops are saying that what’s causing this is a bad batch of LSD circulating around Miami with the street name “bath salts.”  Evidently, this drug raises the human body temperature to the extent that the body can no longer use logic or feel pain.  Also, it causes people to get naked.

Okay, I really hope that’s true, because I’m a little freaked out here.  I’ve seen enough zombie movies to know that everybody on the scene was totally exposed.  Y’all know that the guy who was getting eaten, the cop, the ambulance workers, the doctors at the hospital, and et cetera ad infinitum WERE NOT WEARING SUPER CRAZY BIOHAZARD ANTI-CONTAMINATION SUITS.  Which means that, by like tomorrow (considering the exponential nature of the spread of the Z-Bug), pretty much all of Florida is going to be infected.  Luckily, I have a PLAN.

I think you’ll all agree with me when I say that Florida is a peninsula. Here’s what we do — we just amputate Florida with a bigassed space laser.  You think we don’t have a bigassed Florida amputating space laser?  God, you’re so naieve. The government’s been wanting to get rid of Florida basically since they screwed Ponce de Leon out of the Fountain of Youth (in other words, since before the government was a government).  Just think about it, Florida costs us more money than any other state in disaster relief and social security.  Now that it’s got the Z-Bug, we can finally get some much needed tax breaks.  Also, Jeb Bush is there.  And Disney World.  A lot of evil could be totally eradicated with just one pulse from the badass space laser.  Just sayin’.

Just in case everybody is not totally for my Florida dumping PLAN, I think we’d better all start stockpiling weapons and uncontaminated food and water.  Also, you probably need to purchase some of this for when you run totally out of hooch and are confronted with facing actual reality:

The #1 Hooch of the Zombie Apocalypse

No matter how you slice it, this is going to suck.  Thanks, Florida.  Your warm moist climate, and creative drug manufacturing have combined to make flesh eating zombies.  I guess Disney World should have been a warning.  Assholes.






Update: For a timeline and only the grossest zombie pics, click here: http://modernbaalim.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/zombie-outbreak-in-miami/.  Good luck not barfing.


About rubberchickensociety

The Rubber Chicken Society is a loosely knit collective of free thinkers who support and enjoy chicken related humor.
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33 Responses to ZOMBIE ATTACK…RCS Develops Master Plan To SAVE THE HUMAN RACE…

  1. lmwills1 says:

    Yes! This is awesome! Chop Fla right on off. Lol!

  2. Anonymous says:

    I like this plan even without a potential start to WWZ. Can we also hit Detroit while we got the laser warmed up? Just sayin. . . .

  3. Anonymous says:

    This kind of sounds like “I am Legend” so all we need is Will Smith.

  4. moi? says:

    tsk tsk i must say i’m a hardened soldier when it comes to zombies, i mean heck, i helped save Racoon City -or rather destroy it, and survived along with Bill, Louis and Francis when shit hit the fan. good luck, humans! hmm maybe i should work on my cardio for -alas!- i lack stamina.

    • Yeah, it’s really looking like I’m going to have to come up with a new Solution-Z due to this Maryland thing. Frankly, I may give up on saving humanity and just hide in an underground bunker in the desert. I figure the zombies will rot apart in about a year and a half. After that, I’m going to Tiffany’s.

      • moi? says:

        yup, A La “28 days later”… got to stock up beer and ammo -water and food are overrated- and call up Captain America to keep me company…

      • You have Captain America’s number? Can I get that from you?

      • moi? says:

        NEVER! i’m taking his # to the grave!

      • moi? says:

        fufufufu of course! i come first in my book

      • Fine, but when my Batman stalking finally pays off, I’m not going to let you ride in the batcopter. Ever.

      • moi? says:

        ……… dammit! that’d be a sweet ride! you heathen blasphemer!

      • Blaspheming is not defined as, “not letting moi? ride in the batcopter after you finally stalk batman successfully.” I think he has something to do with Jebus. Also, if you’re going to be stingy with your super hero file, I’m doing the same — and mine is one rockin’ super hero file.

      • moi? says:

        you pagan! i meant a blasphemy against my “religion” by not letting me ride that ‘copter (and who’s jesus, again?)! the only thing Captain America’s allowed to do is dance… on my lap.

      • I’m so jealous of Cap’n America lap dances that my mouth is lemon-eating puckered and my eyebrows are Frida Kahlo’ing in envy. Asshole.
        Jesus is that really cut guy that got nailed. Lots of people love him and worry about what he’d do. Also, they put fish outlines on their cars for some reason. At any one time you can jack 34 Jesus fish in any Wal-Mart parking lot. This is a statistical analysis gleaned from several research sessions.

      • moi? says:

        jealous as you should be. an you mean bitch, not “asshole” hehe ;-D …oh, and now that’s some interesting intel you got there. these plebeians are easly driven by childish and archaic myths

      • True, dat. You tend to get this kind of info when you’re a pastor’s kid who only ever half-listens to your mother.

      • moi? says:

        well, i see how you spend your time entertained. and you not listening to your mother only has to do with you being a teenager. yes, that was an insult -me don’t like teenagers…

      • Um, I’m 20 years past teenager. I’m just adultally challenged. You sounded like the Hulk at the end there. Awesome.

      • Um, I’m 20 years past teenager. I’m just adultally challenged. You sounded like the Hulk at the end there. Awesome. Oh, or Tarzan — but Tarzan kinda sucks, so be the Hulk.

      • moi? says:

        silence, insolent, puny human! haha i see, you’re not the only one being challenged there -here, i’m a 27 year-old lady. and no, i don’t own a cat. in fact i don’t like ’em cats, obnoxious creatures. and i do agree with you on that one: The Hulk freakin’ rocks… damn, keep re-playing that movie in my head *sigh*

      • I know. I like how when Bruce Banner Hulks out his shirt stays small, but his pants get HUGE. It’s like a metaphor for our generation. Don’t ask me what it means, though. Maybe something like, you’re never going to get to see Hulk dick, so quit trying.

      • moi? says:

        still, one can always hope -and dream… anyways, the pants? they stretch -you’re a guy, you don’t know about stretchy pants, do you?

      • GOD DAMNIT. You’re the worst cyber reader ever! I’m a girl, and I know all about stretchy pants, BUT SISTER, there is not enough lycra in the world to cover Hulk dick.

      • moi? says:

        hahaha!! :’-D ok, ok maybe i am the “worst cyber reader ever” -BUT you seem pretty well informed concerning Hulk’s DICK. SIsTER, what are you hiding? eh? don’t be selfish an share, will ya

      • Dude, are you telling me you didn’t check out Hulk’s package and do some really rapid calculus? Because I sure did…

      • moi? says:

        … i was too entertained watching the action to notice and keeping the dorky 3D glasses on top of my reading glasses… as of right now: hitting my head on the wall…

      • Just go generate your badass Mad Max style post apocalyptic nickname and tell me what it is. I’m dying to know what you draw. The link is on http://www.rubberchickensociety.wordpress.com.

  5. Pingback: Hey, Florida — WTF?…RCS Doubts Lack of Preliminary Toxicology Report in Florida-Based Zombie Apocalypse Case…Warms Up Space Laser | rubberchickensociety

  6. Pingback: A post I found that I felt compelled to share with you all! « Day of the Z

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