Today, in Florida-based zombie apocalypse news, The Miami Herald reported that, “a number” of undigested pills were found in Eugene’s stomach, but they have not yet been identified. Toxicology reports on Eugene, who according to CBS has been confirmed to have smoked marijuana in the hours before the attack, could take weeks to months to complete.” WHAT? Okay, Florida, I have to call shenanigans on that one. Where’s the PRELIMINARY REPORT? You know the one you get when you run a basic blood/urine based screen on a corpse — which is used to determine whether or not further testing is warranted? FOLKS! They could at least be telling us whether Rudy Eugene was positive for meth-amphetamines, barbiturates, pot, alcohol, EVEN LSD (by doing a spinal tap — a simple procedure on a corpse), and a litany of other drugs. What the hell, Florida? What are you hiding? They’re SAYING that Eugene’s stomach had a bunch of undigested pills in it, but Eugene’s friends are saying that the man wouldn’t even pop so much as a Tylenol. It’s really hard to slip a human being ONE whole pill in something, much less a bunch of them. We’re not dogs. You have to crush pills up to illicitly drug people (not that I have any personal experience in this AT ALL) — you can’t just shove them in some peanut butter and coo, “Look, yummy TREAT!” So what’s going on. The Z-Math isn’t adding up. Here’s a guy, who took off in the morning for a beach party toting a BIBLE, probably smoked a little weed (even though no drug paraphernalia has been found around the crime scene), had a car problem, had to walk home, and decided to stop on the way for a light snack of GUY FACE? Yeah, not adding up. Then you find out that a guy who refused to take the most basic over-the-counter medication in pill form has a stomach loaded with undigested (wait for it) PILLS? WTF? This sounds like a cover up, especially when it’s combined with the one fact that Florida did release re: Eugene’s stomach: evidently there was no human flesh in it. Yeah, now we’re all supposed to CALM DOWN because Eugene didn’t swallow? What planet are you Floridians living on? Have you guys never seen a zombie movie?
LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU: there are basically two kinds of zombies — brain eaters, and everything eaters. The brain eaters are easy — they eat brains. See: Night of the Living Dead. The everything eaters eat, well, everything, BUT THEY ARE NOTORIOUSLY PECKISH. This is why there are so many zombies running around everywhere in the movies with just a little chunk missing from their shoulder or an ear off or something. Yep, though zombies appear to be ravenously hungry for the meat of the living, they don’t seem to eat too terribly much of it when they actually catch a person. I’d imagine that, if they were REALLY famished, there’d only be two or three really FAT zombies running around. It seems kind of evident, therefore, that Eugene could fit into EITHER Z-CATEGORY. This doesn’t do much to relieve me, which is why we at the RCS say that it’s BEYOND TIME TO WARM UP THE SPACE LASER. There is clearly a conspiracy going on here, and even though the CDC recently denied categorically that there is any such thing as zombies saying, “Zombies aren’t real,” there’s been a weird, unexplained rash outbreak in Hollywood, Florida, and a new species of bacteria has been found that creates zombie ants. Also, drunk doctors are spitting blood at cops on Florida expressways. SUSPICIOUS.
Look, Florida, stop bullshitting. I’d be scared of the space laser, too, but YOU ARE NOT AS COOL AS YOU THINK YOU ARE. The rest of the country doesn’t want the Z-Bug just because you have it. In fact, we don’t want lots of things you have, like giant mutant cockroaches, and hurricanes. Either get with the program, or you effers are officially going to be Cuba’s problem. Whichever. Honestly, most of us pretty much feel that sending Castro Jr. a zombie-and-gator-riddled mega state is pretty good revenge for the whole putting convicts on boats to America debacle. “Here you go former el Presidente,” Obama would get to say, “EAT ZOMBIE.” That would be a fun day in politics — and in life.
You can read more about this story by clicking these links:
You can see why Florida is stonewalling us about toxicology testing here:
And you can read about the original RCS PLAN TO SAVE THE HUMAN RACE here: