Last Thursday, the Republicans (party slogan: “we only like the pussy we pay for, AND JESUS.”) banned two Michigan lawmakers from making further comment because they — WAIT FOR IT — used the word “vagina” while debating new anti-abortion proposals. EVIDENTLY, the v-word is inappropriate for the Michigan Senate floor, even though 1) it’s now pretty clear that babies come out of them, 2) it’s a medical term, and 3)it’s STILL the number one orifice associated with abortions.
What the hell? How are you even supposed to talk about abortions if you don’t bring up the baby trebuchet? If we just pretend that the sin gash doesn’t exist, then maybe we can fantasize away all necessity for abortions. I mean if there’s no hot pocket for Mr. Pepperoni to slip his Hillshire Farms love log into, then there’s also no excess baby cheese after nine long months of microwaving…WTF? Just call the god damned thing a vagina, or call it a cunt, or call it a love taco, or a fun factory, or the juicer, or orgazmo, or bajingo, or JAWS — just call it something and move on. Who cares? Approximately 53% of the population is currently in possession of at least 1 vagina of questionable resale value. THAT’S MOST OF US. If I have to see adverts for “feminine wash,” tampons, and those awful maxi pads with the pube catching side stickers on EVERY GOD DAMNED TELEVISION SHOW I WATCH INCLUDING REPEATS OF THE MOVIE “ALIEN VS. PREDATOR” then you Michigan-based asshole Republicans need to shut the fuck up and let a woman say the word, “vagina.” Either that, or you’d better start trying to get all that crap advertising that tries to make you think that multicolored tampons are somehow going to make bleeding from your groove tube SUPER FUN, OFF THE AIR.
To be honest, I’m sure what the Republicans were actually angriest about was that Representative Lisa Brown said, “I’m flattered you’re all so concerned about my vagina, but no means no.” People who are speaking in the State House CLEARLY are not supposed to be in possession of vaginas to begin with. “Who let her in here with that thing?” they were probably whispering amongst themselves. “Why didn’t she get SEARCHED?” “Do you think it’s LOADED?”
Basically, for the past 92 years (since the 19th Amendment to the Constitution was passed in 1920) everyone’s just been successfully pretending that women representatives really AREN’T anatomically female at all — they’re just some kind-of pseudo-vaudevillian drag show set up as a comic foil for all the pontificating penis packers. Thus, when Representative Brown acknowledged that she did, in fact, HAVE an ACTUAL vagina, 727 sorts of hell broke loose.
In response, The RCS, in conjunction with the Bajingo Liberation Front, would like to provide you Republicans (party slogan: “We weren’t lying, we were just exaggerating”) with a soothing list of reasons why vaginas aren’t a threat to your life, liberty, or pursuit of happiness:
There — see, no threat. Can you please decrease your vagina-threat-o-meter down to DEFCON 5 (the lowest score) and get back to work? We are, after all, PAYING YOU FOR THIS.
UPDATE: I made y’all Michiganites this really cool bumper sticker with awesome trekkie lettering. It’s only like $4.00’s on zazzle.com. Don’t you think it would be awesome just to have a bunch of vagina cars rolling around the state? What could they do? Anyway, here it is:
You can buy it here: http://www.zazzle.com/space_vagina_bumpersticker-128978091110894492
Hey Folks, WHILE YOU’RE HERE — check out our FIRST EVER video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Wnl4Y4wtrs&feature=youtu.be