“There Was Just So Much Shit EVERYWHERE!”…RCS Staff Writer Attempts To Understand Election Season Douchebag Diversionary Tactics While Baby’s Asshole Launches Nuclear Strike

I’ve been meaning to write about the GOP’s proposed amendment to the Constitution that would preclude all abortions (even in cases of rape or incest) for a few days now.  I mean, when Missouri Rep Todd Akins said that women have a natural uterine ability to repel unwanted sperm (I love the idea of intrauterine gunners all dressed in flak jackets and aiming anti-aircraft guns at unwelcome sperm in little Nazi uniforms), and therefore don’t get pregnant due to “legitimate rape,” I had a bit of momentary glee so strong that I felt a tingle in my toes.   It was WAY too easy, but also irresistible.  Why do they keep doing this to me?  I’m such a sucker for a moron!

 I’d been thinking about this whole scenario, vacillating between joy and depression, and just feeling overwhelmed by the shit when yesterday, A. in his own inimical way, put the entire situation into perspective.

I was sitting in my father’s gigantic red lazy boy chair, flipping channels between CNN and Spongebob, trying to do some level of research on the GOP while still watching A.  It was working okay.  A. was running around collecting toys and showing them to me.  We’d play for a minute, and then he’d be off to find something else.  I had just gotten involved in a particularly wishy-washy segment on the perpetuation of “rape culture” in America, when A. plopped an enormous car that he had constructed out of baby legos into my lap.  Its sides were covered in a brown liquid.  “What’s this brown sh….SHIT! OMG!  OMG!  A. WHERE DID YOU GET POOP!?!?!?! AHHHHH!!!!”  Almost simultaneously, Dad started yelling from the hallway, “Well,  here’s a huge pile of baby shit!” 

“AHHHH!!!” I replied.

I looked at A. to ascertain whether or not he was, in fact, still wearing a diaper.  He was, and it didn’t appear to be leaking.  Yet, there it was, a poop puddle in the hallway, with little lego car wheel tracks all through it.  I couldn’t figure out the shit genesis.  I thought maybe he’d somehow found a dog log or retrieved an unmentionable accident from my parent’s toilet and used it to color on the white tile/walls of the hallway.  I didn’t know what to do.  Dad had just returned from the beach and was in the shower.  This is a terrific house, but the water pressure is not such that I could get A. into the tub – even though I was at this point absolutely SURE he was covered in mystery poop.  I picked the now screaming baby up, resting his little body in the curve between my waist and hip, and felt it – the horrible wetness.  I, too, was coated in poo.   “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” I said.  Dad heard me and screamed for me to bring him the baby.  I complied.   Campers, I have not seen my father naked since I was approximately 4 years old.  We are not a naked family.  However,  every psychological, philosophical, and spiritual objection I had to seeing my dad’s whang completely melted when I realized that HERE WAS SOMEONE WHO WOULD TAKE THE SHIT ENCRUSTED CHILD OUT OF MY HANDS.  I didn’t walk.  I ran into my father’s bathroom and passed him the kid – who he subsequently threw into the shower clothing, diaper, shoes and all.  I later admitted that had my father been an alabaster statue with arms extended, I probably would have tried to land the kid there was well. 

In all of this chaos, there was actually a moment  before Dad came to my rescue that I turned about three circles in the middle of the hallway, (with the baby and myself forming the bread of a horrible shit sandwich)because I totally didn’t know what to do or which way to go.  And that, my friends, is how I feel about GOP politics – horrified, shell shocked, disbelieving, and crapped on.  On one hand, I’m overjoyed that they’re being so stupid, on the other I’m skeptical that anyone can actually BE that – let’s just call it what it is – god damned dumb (and terrified of the possibility).   My gut reaction is that all of this SHIT is a deliberate tactic to distract voters from issues that really matter and that NEITHER party has even begun to attempt to solve – by which I mean foreign policy (including war) and the economy.  At the same time, if this is deliberate, it would require someone who was like a 37th level filth pig to even think of it.  And that is fucking scary.  It is so far beyond dehumanizing, so collateralizing, so morally repugnant, so GROSS, that I have difficulty writing about it, yet  STILL SUSPECT IT’S TRUE.  This is a false front folks – and one is relatively harmless to politicos on both sides.  They get to get up in arms about things that are completely within the stances of their respective parties, they get to say mean things to each other, they get to polarize the voters WHILE AT THE SAME TIME NOT SAYING ANYTHING NEW  OR REAL OR FIGURING OUT HOW TO COOPERATE AND FIX SHIT because they don’t know, and they don’t care. Do you seriously think for one second that Mitt Romney really gives a shit whether you’re gay or whether or not you might take birth control or get an abortion?  He doesn’t give a FUCK.  I’m sorry.  He doesn’t.  He couldn’t care less about you.  What he cares about is keeping money in his pocket.  If he found out tomorrow that he could invest in a drug that would make him billions of dollars, but would cause an additional 30% of the population to somehow be both  gay and to need abortions, he’d buy as many shares as he could.  Maybe not under his own name, maybe with some kind of puppet company set up to take all the notoriety, but I guarantee you, he’d do it.  And Obama’s really not much better.  They’re both sell outs.  They’re politicians – a nominative that has become synonymous with the phrase “manipulative scuzz weasel” – why are we forgetting that?

Here is what we DO know.  We know that our country is in an unprecedented economic douche tsunami that was caused by the GREED and OBNOXIOUSNESS of the richest 3% of our society (which includes MOST elected representatives on a national level, not coincidentally).  We also know that the only way to solve said crisis is through some personal sacrifice by EVERYONE.  Some people, however, don’t want to give up their luxury sedans, private planes, and Mediterranean yachting holidays in order to insure that their fellow man enjoys the liberties that they blow up like toads pontificating about the importance of.  The bottom line: we are going to be fucked to death, every single last one of us, if we’re not willing to make some huge changes in the way we live our lives.  No one wants to mention this, however, because ramen noodles are not as good to eat as steak is — and no one wants to vote for Mr. Noodle.  The reality is, though, that homosexuality, abortion,  healthcare, and racism are NOT personal issues for straight, white, rich men.  Not to get too Dr. Seussy, but: No matter what they say/no matter what they do/that shit simply doesn’t matter to them/like it does to you.  They’re lying. 

I don’t know what to do.  I’m turning metaphorical circles in a shit smeared hallway, and the smell is starting to get to me.   In the case of the baby, you just have to scrub everything down with bleach and bunch of paper towels.  As far as the stupid two-party misinformation factory that we recognize as American politics goes, I’m not sure there’s enough chlorine in the world to make it vanish, and shit stains are super unpleasant – especially ones that try to claim they’re “not really shit, only coffee.”

About rubberchickensociety

The Rubber Chicken Society is a loosely knit collective of free thinkers who support and enjoy chicken related humor.
This entry was posted in current events, gay, gay marriage, gay rights, Humor, kids, mother, parenting, relationships, strange, Uncategorized, women, WTF and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to “There Was Just So Much Shit EVERYWHERE!”…RCS Staff Writer Attempts To Understand Election Season Douchebag Diversionary Tactics While Baby’s Asshole Launches Nuclear Strike

  1. B Dubb says:

    hahah… I’m not sure if my eyes were brown before reading this…. but they are now.

  2. OLIC says:

    Yep, our government lives and dies on red herring emotional issues. Like a babyshit smokescreen.

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