Skankedelica … RCS Examines Why All Halloween Chick Costumes Are Totally Fucking Slutty and Dumb

I wouldn’t lie to you.

The time has come once again: autumn leaves are falling, the pumpkins are carved, and local yards are sprouting cemetery motifs*.  Today, due to a looming Halloweird party scheduled for this evening, I went shopping for a costume at Halloween Town – a freaky superstore which (despite the considerable hype) really just resembles the hosiery section of a Hot Topic on a typical Tuesday.   This excursion (during which I bravely navigated crowds of shoppers who thought the latest in hilarity was a breathalyzer outfit where you blow into a tube at crotch level – how they guffawed) shattered my illusion that it is possible to buy something awesome or funny  to wear for Halloween if you’re a woman.  Let me preface the rest of this commentary by saying that I WANTED TO BE SOMETHING COOL (like Boba Fett, or a ninja space ranger).  Evidently, however, if you’re an adult female in America it is impossible to buy a costume that varies in any significant way from the “Total Whore” phylum.  There was a veritable plethora of outfits derived from the Slut-topia theme.  Seriously, there was a fucking Big Bird outfit that was skanky.  Big Bird’s head was the hat, there was a strapless yellow dress with orange stripy thigh high stockings which ended (arguably the best part) in shoe covers meant to be worn with platform stripper heels that were Big Bird’s massive feet. Tellingly, within the wide range of slutocratic outfits, there was a total dearth of slutty doctors, astronauts, engineers, lawyers, construction workers, or lumberjacks.  Evidently, women can only be slutty in a non-competitive, threat free manner.  I spent about an hour browsing various and sundry whore costumes (yes, there was a slutty nun), trying to find something that wouldn’t make me feel like a total moron.  There was literally nothing.  I thought about trying to cram my ass into a size “Husky” child’s ninja costume, but I determined that it would be about six inches too short which ultimately would’ve caused me to betray the spirit of the ninja by pretending to be the only highly trained, silent killing machine in the world rocking short pants.  I didn’t think that even I could manage to blasé that one out.

So what the hell?  I have a rule that says if you want to answer any question in the world, the first strategy to try is following the money.  I’m assuming that all this poorly sewn nylon crap is available for purchase because lots of people are willing to buy it.  This means that us chicks are responsible.  Ugh.  Why the fuck are you taking a mighty dump all over the best holiday of the year, ladies?  Can’t you dress like “Hot Zombies” on your own time?  I mean, what’s a guy supposed to say when confronted with a slutty zombie: “Wow, it’s a shame that one’s dead?” or “And I said NO to necrophilia – HAR HAR HAR.”  Is it even FUN to be a sexy Mad Hatter?  I know you get lots of attention, but this is the MAD HATTER – you’re ruining the fucking story.  The strange thing is that girls who would never dream of donning anything as “outrageous” as a mini skirt for the entire rest of the year, will go to the most public place they can find on Halloween in a panty baring Dorothy outfit that completely reveals 90% of their breasts – and then act like it’s not weird (it’s also boring and humorless, but you can’t expect people to notice that shit).   I’m all for getting the titties out, but Halloween is not a license to show me your god damned areolas and claim that you’re being “creative.”  I mean, probably I could cut you some slack if you were actually dressed as a giant nipple –that would be kinda funny – but short of that, I seriously don’t care.  I’m not going to laud you for purchasing an unoriginal costume that requires you to get a Brazilian to wear it.  I guess I don’t have to.  Plenty of guys will.

Here’s the real problem, campers: it’s totally okay to dress like a slut.  It’s totally okay to BE a slut.  It’s not okay to use a kick ass holiday that has to do with everything impermanent about this mortal coil as a god damned excuse to do it.  It’s also not okay to be bitchy about women who do dress provocatively every day of the year, and then do it yourself just “because it’s Halloween.”  If you want to let your inner slut rage, more power to you, but at least try not to be a fucking dull-assed hypocrite about it.  Revealing your honk knobs for six hours annually doesn’t make you sexually liberated any more than dressing up like Snow White makes you a princess.

So much of what’s being discussed politically right now is the “War on Women.”  Everyone’s lamenting the fact that we don’t have funny, charismatic, sensible female leaders who could instantaneously slam down the big legislative hammer on this abortion/birth control bullshit.  I know this is kind of Puritanical, but overtly sexualizing oneself because of a  lame excuse doesn’t really bespeak humor or sensibility.  It also reads considerably less than fearless or ferocious.  Mainly it says, I’m dressing up like some cheap pimp’s bottom bitch because EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING IT, and I can now be a sexual creature without fearing societal stigma. Lame.  We live in an era where we should be able to be just as sexual or asexual or pansexual as we want to be.  Women’s fear of our own sexuality (and the tacit allowance of sexual sanctioning) is what has allowed our continued repression in this country.  Cut it the fuck out.

As for me, I had a shit fit in Halloween Town because the check-out line was 6.537 miles long and I didn’t think that my clip on $3.99 devil horns (which I would wear all year around because this, after all, is me we’re talking about) warranted waiting until I was 837 to pay for them.  I hung them on a rack with a bunch of fake eyelashes, and stormed out.  I hope the terminally stupid don’t get confused and cause themselves horrible ocular injury.  I didn’t think of that mid-shit fit.  I don’t know what I’m going to do for the party.  Maybe I’ll dress up as a pregnant smoking and drinking girl with a t-shirt that says, “Last year, I was a slut.”  Hopefully, everyone will be too drunk to notice my 12 month long gestation period.  I suppose I could pretend I got knocked up by a Velociraptor.  Nobody wants to fuck with that Baby Mama.

*I love the people with really crappy houses who do this and then don’t take it down until Christmas.  You guys rule!

Happy Halloweird Everyone!!  Don’t forget your rubbers and bail money!

About rubberchickensociety

The Rubber Chicken Society is a loosely knit collective of free thinkers who support and enjoy chicken related humor.
This entry was posted in Humor, Space, strange, women, WTF, zombie and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Skankedelica … RCS Examines Why All Halloween Chick Costumes Are Totally Fucking Slutty and Dumb

  1. Kim says:

    Yup. Pretty much.

    Well fucking said.

  2. OLIC says:

    Jim Henson is rolling in his fucking grave. Our culture has apparently replaced creativity with trashiness. Or maybe nobody owns a mirror anymore.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Hi there. Very good web site! Guy Superb Fantastic I will bookmark your net internet site and take the feeds additionally?-I am glad to discover quite a few helpful details here within the report. Thanks for sharing.

Tell us what YOU think!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s